Use Emotions to Help (Not Hinder) Conflict Resolution
Think about the last disagreement you had, whether it was at home, work, or over the telephone complaining about some customer experience. Were you emotionally triggered by something that was said? How did you react? Did it serve your long-term objectives?
For most of us, conflict is an emotional rollercoaster. It’s easy to say, ‘be rational’, but it’s much harder to do. The challenge is that to resolve conflicts more successfully (and swiftly), without ongoing fallout, we at least need to have a rational perspective of our emotions and behaviour.
The consequence of not addressing our emotions is that we prevent ourselves from seeing this rational perspective. We can end up regretting our actions, wishing we had handled things differently, and with a sub-optimal outcome.
Unfortunately, most of us haven’t had an emotional education. Our experiences, our role models and our learned behaviours provide our schooling for how we approach conflict. While tantrums can be a useful tactic for children, throwing our toys out of the pram as adults occasionally produces results; it also tarnishes our reputations and usually has a shelf-life as a strategy.
Conversely, ‘anything for an easy life’ (avoiders and accommodators, we’re looking at you) results in bottling up emotions and creating a simmering time-bomb. That time-bomb usually explodes over something small (the straw that broke the camel’s back). You’re fully aware of your internal, but unspoken, list of complaints. But no one else is. Your emotional outburst can seem disproportionate to others, as well as preventing engagement with the real issues.
On the flip-side, when we do address our emotions before wading in, we learn about ourselves, we learn about others, we have the opportunity to adapt our negotiating style, we maintain and improve relationships, we achieve better outcomes. The list goes on.
So, rather than shying away from emotions on the one hand or letting them run the show entirely on the other, how can we embrace emotions as learning tools to increase shared knowledge about the conflict? Here are a few ideas:
1. Label your emotions
Identify what you are actually feeling. Ask yourself ‘what am I feeling?’
Remember the root emotion is regularly different from how it manifests. If you’re screaming and shouting, are you angry? Perhaps, you’re frustrated, disappointed or scared.
2. Press pause, explore your feelings and reset
Take the time to actually experience your feelings. Emotions don’t just disappear.
Ask yourself what the reasons could be for you feeling this way.
Who are your emotions directed towards? Yourself, or others? Think about how you might have contributed to the conflict.
Remember thinking ‘commercially’ doesn’t mean ignoring emotions. It may be business, but it’s also personal.
3. Prepare for a difficult conversation
Check back to your objectives and long-term goals. Will your emotions serve those goals?
Ask yourself ‘does the other person know how I feel?’ and ‘do I know how they feel?’ Don’t fill in the blanks yourself and get ready to be curious about their feelings. You may start to see new perspectives.
Think about your emotional triggers. If you know what these are, you can anticipate and prepare for what may come your way. You’ll still be triggered, and you just may be able to regulate your emotion and react in a way that is consistent with your goals.
4. During the difficult conversation
Be clear and respectful, but don’t dilute the message otherwise you are not conveying your feelings or perspective accurately.
The other person probably will have their own emotional reaction to what you have to say. You don’t have to think their emotions and views are fair. But don’t dismiss them as being untrue. By listening to and acknowledging their feelings and perspective, you may reveal the nuggets of information that get to the root of the problem.
If the conversation becomes heated, feel free to step away temporarily. You can always come back to it. It’s best to avoid point scoring and depleting emotional energy though. The phrase ‘I just need a few moments to think about what you said’ can be helpful.