4 Steps To Help You Deal More Effectively with Conflict
Often when we think of ‘conflict’, we think of arguments or unpleasant exchanges and perhaps, if those escalate, disputes which involve lawyers. When our expectations aren’t met, our different views can lead to outbursts (anger or sarcasm) or we might become an ostrich (silence); we fight or flee from the conflict.
When we are emotional, we have a tendency to default to short-term thinking, to satisfy what immediately comes to mind. But what seems like a good idea in the heat of the moment usually has similar effects to a bad hangover. Thinking about what we need from a long-term perspective requires time and careful thought to ensure that we engage in a logical thinking process and avoid decisions we might regret later.
Conflict is a part of life, whether we like it or not (and most of us don’t). So, given it’s not going away any time soon, how can we learn to deal with it effectively?
Be (self) aware
Develop awareness of your reactions to the situation; take time to process them. Pause and ask yourself ‘what is making me unhappy? What do I want to change?’
Feel your emotions and allow yourself time to process them. This helps to prevent them becoming an obstacle to resolution.
Next engage in logical reasoning. Explore your own expectations. Ask yourself ‘what expectation of mine is not being met? Why did I have this expectation?’
Be prepared
Take time to interrogate what you really need and identify the issues that need to be resolved.
Set and define your long-term objectives; prioritise them.
Identify things that don’t really matter to you and note them down to prevent you from using them for point scoring.
Be curious
Investigate and explore perspectives – consider how and why your point of view is different.
The fundamental attribution error is a cognitive bias which means that we have a tendency to excuse our own behaviour as being a result of circumstances and external factors, while failing to do the same for others. Look at your behaviour and the other person’s behaviour objectively. Are you being fair?
Telling the other person ‘you’re wrong’ rarely improves engagement or collaboration. Instead ask questions, listen attentively and increase your understanding of what is driving the conflict.
Be clear
Signpost your intention to work to resolve the disagreement. For example, explain that you want to understand their perspective.
Focus your conversation on the issues that you have identified as needing to be resolved.
Communicate your viewpoint honestly, clearly and respectfully.
Once you’ve accepted that there is going to be a difficult conversation, taking the steps above will help you prepare for it. Going in with all guns blazing may score some points but it doesn’t improve engagement or collaboration. If you create a safe space, you will encourage dialogue, learn new information, and deescalate the conflict. The path is then clear to focus on resolution.
Look out for our tips on how to appreciate the role of emotion and how to stop it becoming a barrier to resolving conflicts – coming soon.